Phantom of the opera: a parody
by IronicTwins
Summary: Summary inside. Rated T for language and sexual refrences.
1. A Dressing Room Fit For A Diva

**Phantom of the Opera**

_A Parody._

_This is a Parody of the musical Phantom written as a play. Raoul is the bad guy, so you hopeless romantics that actually like him, don't get your hopes up. Christine will not end up with him. This was written to be preformed in front of an audience and it is also my first phan phic that was written years ago that I don't feel like revising at the moment. So bare with me. Oh yes be aware of Puns randomly thrown in_

**_Disclaimer_: **I do not own Phantom of the Opera; unfortunately…That Phantom is a real snag you know?

_Narrator: Christine has just sung her best show in her life. Phantom witnessed this hell freezing act and developed a new interest in the present diva. Since the voice was loud enough to break the sound barrier, Christine caught the attention of playboy Raoul who suddenly wanted to purchase the Opera house. But Raouls fortune and "good looks" doesn't get him far with the new diva._

_In Christine's divalicous dressing room_

**Meg: **Like Omagawd. You like sounded sooooooooo good tonight. I mean did you see Carlotta's face? It was greener than grass in spring. I mean you're getting better, who is that teacher you spoke of earlier?

**Christine:** Oh, he is the grand, astonishing, inspiring, an-

**Meg:** OKAY! I get it. Do you even know this _mocks_ grand, astonishing, inspiring, blah blah blah teachers name?

**Christine:** _embarrassed_ No, I just call him Angel of Music

**Meg: **Can I meet him

**Christine: **But of course not! He's not _YOUR _Angel of Music!

**Meg:** Fine. I see how it is. I'm leaving now. Mother wants us BALLET dancers since we're so graceful with our bodies _trips on her way out. No one saw that….._

**Phantom's Voice: **_gets louder with every call _Christine, Christine, CHRISTINE!

**Christine: **_looks around clueless_ Huh? What? Who? Ah 'tis you Angel!

**Phantom's Voice: **Come to me Angel of Music. Come through the mirror!

**Christine:** _Walks into mirror _Ouch! Hey!

**Phantom's Voice: **Oh sorry. _Opens mirror_

_The mirror closes after showing Phantom pulls Christine in with a squeal and all you can hear are the voices inside_

**Christine:** COME TO ME ANGEL OF MUSIC! COME TO ME! SING FOR ME! SING TO ME ANGEL OF MUSIC

**Phantom: **Oh lord Christine please don't touch me! Oh Lord Christine please don't touch! Oh lord Christine please don't ! Oh Lord Christine PLEASE. Oh lord CHRISTINE! Oh LORD! OH! OH! As we roll around the silky sheets with nothing on at all.


	2. After the Mirror fun

Phantom: Listen to me sing. Do you hear me? Whining Christine? Christine?

Christine: Would you SHUT UP? I'm trying to sleep! I mean you wore me out last night I wasn't sure how much I could take.

Phantom: I was just seeing if you wanted to listen. Off subject Christine you must sing at the opera tomorrow all right?

Christine: In front of EVERYONE! I mean Phantom, baby, I'd do anything for you, but don't you think that's just a TAD overboard, we kind of just met.

Phantom: No you ditz, that's a behind closed door thing. No one should know about that

Christine: what about Raul? I mean he won't take his hands off me.

Phantom: Leave Raul to me my dear. He'll get what's coming to him. (_laughs evilly)_


	3. Play Conflicts

Carlotta: La, La, La, De, De, De (etc.)

Phantom: Why is Christine not singing, you, fat lady?

Carlotta: _(not caring )_Don't know. Don't care.

Phantom: You better or, or, or else I will do something.

Carlotta: As if I care. Starts singing again La, La, La, Croak! La, Croak!

Phantom: Evil psychopathic laugh Muhahahahaha! (Etc.) Oh yeah aren't I supposed to do something here? _(looks at script from original play)_ Ahh, yes…I remember DROP THE CHANDALIER. Mr. Butler, you kind of missed the cue for dropping this at the right time. It's towards the end of act one, sir.

Gerard Butler: Oh I'm sorry my dear sir. But I was just doing as the DIRECTORS told me.

Phantom: It's alright, they shall feel my wrath

at directors house

Director: What other musical shall i butcher up._ (laughs evilly)_

DUUUUUUUUUUNNNN DUNDUNDUNDUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

_Phantom scale plays and you hear Phantom laughing maniacally in the background_

Phantom: PAY FOR THE SINS WHICH ARE YOURS!

_Director dies...somehow...I think a punjab lasso...and fire...can't have a good death without fire_


	4. Out on the roof top a new love emerges

Raul: Concietedly you like my picture? Oh wait that's a mirror. Trying to be a charming high class laugh Christine: Leave me alone you crazed stalker! (Starts to leave) Raul: But Christine we belong together, I'm beautiful, you're beautiful, not as me but you're beautiful. (Starts to look at mirror making kissy noises at himself ) Christine: You two will be very happy together. (looks at Raul pitifully and leaves unnoticed) Raul: But wait Christine, I LOVE YOU! (gropes) Christine: Oh no one has touched me like that before. I LOVE YOU TOO! 


	5. Masquerade

Scene 6

Everyone: MASQUERADE!

Phantom: _(appears in a gust of fire) _A masquerade and NO ONE INVITED ME! Christine! How could you leave me down there for so long? I needed you to quench the thirst I had for you. _(makes kissy face at her)_

Christine: Oh no he's looking at me like that again

_(kissy face)_

Meg: I wouldn't mind if he looked at ME that way.

Andre & Firmin: Thinks me neither

Carlotta: I wonder how much I can get from him, he seems like he would be a good customer. Wait! This bastard made me croak at my last show!

Raoul: How dare you look at Christine like that! Thats MY look!

Phantom:mocking thats my look. Okay so here's why I am here, I wrote this musical and Christine has to play the lead in it. Carlotta, you need to hardly ever be seen.

Carlotta: Hmph

Phantom: and Piangi you get to be lead with Christine. And be sure you wear something you would want to die in.

Carlotta: No he is MY man and no one can play his leading lady BUT me.

Phantom: SILENCE HAG! Any who yes make sure you wear something...nice.muahahhahah dissappears and makes Raoul catch on fire

Raoul: STOP! DROP! ROLL!rolls on the ground

Christine: Pathetic...--


	6. Don Juan

Announcer: Now, the play of Don Juan Triumphant.

Choir: off key Don Juan triumphs once again.

Piangi: La, la, la, le, de, de.

(Phantom appears onstage and kills Piangi on the spot)

(Meg unenthusiastically screams)

Ghost of Piangi: oh so that's all I get for all my fine years of service a pitiful screams?

Meg: screams enthusiasticallyis that better darlin'?

Ghost of Piangi: Why yes it is, I shall be leaving you now good-bye!

Carlotta: yelling after the ghost WHERES MY MONEY YOU CHEAP ASS!

Mutters last time I whore out to any of these actors…

(Dancers come up behind Carlotta and whisper in her ear)

Carlotta: hmmm…mmmhmm…I see. No I don't do that. OH NO! NO! NO! That is crazy how dare you say something like that to such a fine actress? You got the money? I take it!

Phantom: Come Christine we go to my underground lair of "fun things"…

Christine: That sounds delightful! What do we do in your lair of "fun things"

Phantom: That's for you to find out evil seducing chuckle

(Phantom takes Christine off stage leading to his lair)

Raul: Looks away from mirror and sees Phantom take away Christine NO CHRISTINE! DON'T GO! YOU IN THAT DRESS MADE ME WANT TO BANG YOU!


	7. Mob Conflicts

Scene 8

Leader of Mob: LETS KILL THE PHANTOM!

Rest of Mob: YES! KILL THE PHANTOM

Random Mob Member: LETS KILL THE SPIDERS!

(Rest of the Mob stares at him awkwardly)

Random Mob Member: shrug Well I thought as long as we were on a killing spree we would kill the spiders too…

Leader of Mob: sighs okay. After we kill the Phantom then we can kill the spiders, can we kill the Phantom now?

Random Mob Member: Yes

(Spiders scurry away and hide)


	8. Grand Finale

Scene 9

Phantom: Doesn't this place look fun?

Christine: OOOH TOYS!

Phantom: Yes they're special toys. They're all battery operated!

Christine: This one would make a good massager!

Phantom: NO! DON'T PLAY WITH THAT! That's my cell phone!

Christine: Sorry. What about this scary looking thing? OH SHIT ITS TALKING

Phantom: That's a Furby.

Christine: That looks like a devil possessed Gremlin.

Phantom: Yeah well? What are you going to do? But look at this one, it's a work of art!

Christine: Its atrocious! You call that ART!

Phantom: Its supposed to be you….

Christine: This is ME! The skins too pale, the figure is too straight, I HAVE CURVES!

Phantom: I've lived in a nutshell my whole life, I had to deal with what I could obtain! I'm sorry!

Raul: Christine!

Christine: Raul what do you want?

Raul: What do you see in this this this THING!

Phantom: Sir, for that comment, I shall make you pay for the sins which are yours! Threatening fist shakes

Raul: Are you really attracted to him?

Christine: Oh yes. I mean that mask its just OH MY GOD! Its…. Just…. Soooo….. SEXY!

Raul: Give me that mask! takes mask

(Mob comes in)

Mob: WHERES THE PHANTOM?

(Phantom and Christine point at Raul)

Raul: looking in the mirror I didn't think it was possible, but I do look A LOT BETTER like this!

(Mob takes Raul offstage and kills him)

Christine: Now that he's gone we can finally be together forever!

Phantom: Erm… about that together forever thing…I don't think it's going to work out very well… I mean you're good looking and all, but you are to anal and conceited, not to mention A LOT of trouble. I had to KILL people for you. I'm a lover not a fighter, so I'm dumping you for someone less trouble. Come on out sweetie!

(Meg comes out)

Christine: MEG!

Meg: Sorry Christine, with the history with our family.

Phantom: Yes kisses Meg's forehead Lets travel around the world!

(Phantom and Meg leave)

Christine: I am not ending this story alone! I'll find a band member if I have to!

Band members: WE'RE ORCHESTRA MEMBERS AND PROBABLY HAVE MORE FUN THEN YOU DO!

Christine: Hmph. Fine I'll be like Carlotta and get a dancer.

Carlotta: Runs around with dead dancer dragging behind her COME ON MY new LOVE WE MUST ESCAPE BEFORE THE PHANTOM KILLS US BOTH. She sees Christine staring at her He passed out because I gave him such a good time. Dancers can't handle that much.

Christine: AM I DESTINED TO BE ALONE! WAIT! What's behind this curtain? reaches behind curtain and gets someone from behind it. OH MY GOD IT'S LEGOLAS! Squeals

Legolas: Erm…this looks nothing like Middle Earth. What am I doing here?

Christine: You're in this play now!

Legolas: M'kay! What do I do?

Christine: First you whisper and then you walk of stage!

(They both walk away)

* * *

(Onstage)

Phantom: Ooh Meg you're looking very makey-outy tonight.

Meg: You too Phantom

(They make out until the curtain falls)

* * *

**Ha I finally finished a fanfic Congrats to me-KinkyKikyou**


End file.
